In retrospect it’s always fun to see how things have changed. All things. I guess that’s also why people write their biographies. Or not.

Currently as I look back I can divide my life in worldview aspect into 3 parts:

1. Pre-Christian
2. Christian
3. Post-Christian (now)

Pre-Christian period was from birth till 2001, when I joined a church and became a devout christian. Then I was doing what a regular guys do. Going to school, working, dealing with hobbies etc. During that period I didn’t think much about the life in general – meaning of if, why’s, how’s etc. It wasn’t until few years before joining the church that I became interested in yoga philosophy, reading Carlos Castaneda books, stuff about astral projection etc. I guess I can call that period ‘becoming interested’.

Christian period. I guess the prior learning about different spiritual stuff made me more receptive and when the time was right I was invited to church. About that period now I can say that I had kinda elitist attitude about people who were not in a church. I really believed that I had found the truth, light and life and everyone who didn’t subscribe to the same worldview was… well… it was stupid _not_ to believe in what I did. And everyone who wasn’t in the saved flock was not going to be saved.  I met many great people in the church and still interact with many. And from my side I can say there are no hard feelings about anyone in the church. I still think people in the church (at least in that particular one where I was) act in what they believe is the best way. I have written about the leaving process before, so I won’t do it again. I think I left also when the time was right. Now I wish it were a little earlier, but what’s done is done

Post-Christian period, the now. I can say that I am truly happy that I did leave the church. If you’re inside of something and totally immersed in it, it’s hard to see the world in a different way.  Not being in any certain movement gives me the freedom to explore the things that were not really well looked at in a church. When there is a problem that is not really well explained by Bible, or any other religious book/movement that I might happen to be in, then I don’t have to force myself to jump through the hoops and do all the needed mental gymnastics to find a solution for the problem. I can look at other explanations and find solutions from other people than the apologists of that particular movement.

For example the concept of hell / eternal damnation / burning in a lake of fire / perishing of a soul. Try as you may, but there isn’t a decent explanation of why an all loving god would allow such thing, or create the hell in the first place. Follow me or die thing. Seems kind of heartless and cruel, doesn’t it?

But now, when I don’t have to explain everything by the Bible, I honestly think this is bollocks . Same thing for the salvation / going to heaven thing. I think there isn’t anything I need to be saved from, but thanks for offering anyway.

I like what Thomas Campbell, the author of ‘My big TOE‘, said in one of his lectures: “There are many perceptions of objective reality”. Basically all religions, schools of thought, philosophies ‘get’ only a part of the reality as it is. Christianity is only partly right, just as atheism, agnosticism, Hinduism etc. So when you’re in one of these schools, you just can’t understand the whole reality as it is. You need to be free of all this stuff to actually move towards understanding the world as it is.

So as of now I see very-very little chance to become a part of any religious movement of whatsoever. You can always invite, just as I can always decline .

The more time I spend being as freethinker vs. religious guy, the happier I am. When I was a Christian I prided myself of knowing the answers to all those ‘hard’ questions of life. Is there a God? Why are we here? How we came to be? On and on.

Then came the hard questions. Is there hell? Why is there hell? If God is all powerful, then why do illogical things happen. Why was it OK for Old Testament guys to kill, rape and loot all they wanted? Sure, as a Christian you can throw at me several hundred books and the same amount of answers to all those questions.

But, now listen carefully. The thing is – these answers are good and satisfactory only as long as you are a Christian. To non-christian these are pure nonsense and playing mental games to figure out why you still possess the truth monopoly, why still your way is the right one.

Maybe I don’t need God to kill himself and then resurrect himself on 3rd day 2000 years ago, so that I can be saved from my horrid sins. Maybe sin is just human concept. Maybe God is just human concept.

Try as we may, we can’t explain all things and to me God is not an answer to those either.

I like unknown.

You should try it too.

DMD.

“How to become happy?”

That was the question one US student asked famous Russian movie director A. Tarkovski.

In todays western culture context it seems very natural and logical question. After all everybody is talking about it. Read this book, if you apply these methods you’ll become happy, relaxed and whatnot. Come to our church, it’ll make you peaceful, happy and give your life a new meaning. Do this, do that, go there… then you’ll be happy-happy.

What was Tarkovsi’s response? First of all he didn’t understand at all what the guy meant. “What does he mean how to be happy? What does that guy want from me? You came into this life to do what you were meant to do, with a specific purpose. You do it. Whether happiness comes or not, is actually not an issue.”

What a strange and fascinating view to life. Very different to what I take for granted, what has been my social conditioning. I/we am/are always on a lookout for something… Something that makes is happy, content, that makes our life bearable, live-able. If I achieve this goal, if I get this thing, if I get a house, a car, a wife, a baby etc. etc, well then I’ll be content, then I’ll be happy. This is just a illusion. I have not lived on this Earth for very long time, but I’ve seen it already. There’s no need to chase some wild goals.

There’s no need to look very far, everything we need to live a fulfilling life we already possess. We don’t need any organizations or groups or books to tell us how to live. You know it already. Maybe some directions, yes. Some guidelines, definitely. But for Pete’s sake, don’t let anybody tell you that if you don’t do this or that, you’ll go to hell. This is just nonsense.

End of rant.

But on a brighter side – I decided to make a serious change in my life. Exchange my office job for something more interesting. I decided to become a male stripper.

Kiss Hank’s Ass. This piece was actually something I read during my ‘doubting time’ when I was still a good church-going Christian. Makes you think, doesn’t it? If it doesn’t, then I think it should.

Here’s also the video version.

It is so good to be free. It is so good to live without thinking all the time whether my actions conform to some dogma or not. It’s good to know that there is no hell I need to be saved from. It’s good to choose what I believe and what not.

I think this kind of exercise of free will is good for absolutely everybody. Try it.

Author spent quite some time compiling this list and I think it’s quite good:

 Atheists and Anger

This is just for information for those who don’t know already. Some time ago I started a new blog about my progress of becoming a blacksmith. Although now it looks more like I’m becoming an engraver/knife maker.

Anyway, the ‘new’ blog is ‘Journey From Programmer to Blacksmith‘

Enjoy!

16th of March at 11:36 o’clock is kind of historical moment for me. At that time I ‘officially’ announced that I’m no longer a programmer professionally. What becomes of me I don’t know yet, but decision is made and bridges burned, only way is forward, options are unlimited, possibilities endless. Beware exciting times ahead!

This photo is interesting in many ways. It was made in 1996. The girl on the backseat it my brothers girl-friend at the time, I’m the driver, of course. But the reason why I added this photo is really the motorcycle. It’s IZH-56, which belonged to my grandfather, then to my father, then to my brother and I took it over around 11-13 years ago. So it has quite an history. When I was in technical school I befriended with a guy who was also a fan of bikes (and we both liked trance music). I guess it was around 1998 when he and some of his friends gave this motorcycle a face lift. Painted it over, repaired some things etc. This picture is made before the restoration, just for your information. But at the time this bike still wasn’t completed fully, so I couldn’t register it and drive officially. Few days ago I thought I’d like to restore it fully, bring it back to life, so to speak, but for that I need new parts. Next logical step was to call my friend and ask his help. It would be nice to talk to him anyway, because it’s been quite a few years since we met last time. Now, here comes the fun part. When he called me back he said he does have some parts for this bike, but he’s currently in Dubai, working for Harley Davidson. Now this was real surprise for me. But then again, not really that big. He has always been very-very big fan of motorcycles and had loads of energy. So what happens when you concentrate lots of energy into one direction? You get great results. He drives 2006 year Harley Davidson and buys a Corvette for birthday, I drive loaned car and buy 2 books for my birthday. Quite a difference, but I believe this all comes down to what you appreciate in life. I enjoy my life very much, thank you, and don’t need much for happiness. But one motorcycle has always been part of my dreams…

I wrote some time ago that exciting times are ahead and indeed they are, actually they’re right here right now. No need to wait for them anymore.

From the beginning of this year I started to work from home and only half-time. This gave me quite a lot of free time and absolutely stress free life, which I enjoy very much indeed. This free time gave me time to think about life, universe and meaning of life (besides watching a lot of movies). After this pondering I arrived to crossroads – I realized that I don’t want to be a professional computer programmer anymore, which has been my main source of income for last 6 years.

So, what the bleep shall I do?

That is the question.

Fortunately there are a lot of options. One thing that I want do to, is to create something ‘touchable’, which would give pleasure to both the maker and to receiver/buyer and earn living out of it. One of the possibilities is to become a blacksmith and to specialize on making knives, daggers, swords and other kinds weapons. For me this is a leap of faith. I’ve never done any blacksmithing in my life (but I enjoyed watching one old blacksmith working when I was around 10 years old AND my grand-grandfather was blacksmith, it’s in my blood then, right?), so I don’t know if I’m any good at it, or whether it is possible to sell my products. But I believe that when I enjoy this, don’t stress about it and really want to learn it, I’ll make it.

One thing is certain, I don’t want to work for others anymore (unless it’s really-really interesting and fulfilling job, but it’s still kind of cop out) .

I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

It’s interesting how sometimes I get hooked to things, maybe not even things but more like actions. It might be something that I don’t understand at first, but after some ‘click’ I start to really-really like it.

First of such things was MUD, which stands for MultiUser Dungeon. It was when I went to technical school and I was about 16-17 years old. Our school had one class with old crappy 386 computers and 128 kbps Internet connection (nowadays homes usually have 8-16x faster connection). There I saw some guys were very addicted to some game, not the graphic games people usually think when you say ‘game’, it was only text. Just pages and pages of text scrolling by. They typed something and even more text scrolled. Sounds interesting, doesn’t it? I thought that I give it a try, after all there had to be something that made this game to addictive. My first hour or two was quite painful – trying to learn commands, understand the system etc. But after I killed first smurf in Smurf Village I was totally hooked. I spent many hours and sometimes even whole days just gaining levels, killing monsters, upgrading levels and equipment, eating, healing, drinking and then killing some more. It was a huge world with its own rules, religions, gangs and much more. When you were strong enough you could go into more dangerous places, sometimes grouping with other people and get yourself more exotic and powerful weapons and protective armor. Constant adrenalin flow.

This 4-5 years of mudding taught me something – I can get addicted quite easily. So after my super videocard burned down on my home computer I wanted to buy new one so weak that I can’t play any newer and interesting games, because I can get addicted again.

Anyway. Another this kind of getting hooked moment was just a few days ago. This time it was to a programming language called lisp (name comes from list-processing, it is second oldest programming language, made in 1958). This addiction is better, because it’s not waste of time. I can actually make something useful out of it. I believe I first wanted to learn lisp, when I read Eric Raymond’s essay called “How to become a hacker“, where he says: “LISP is worth learning for a different reason — the profound enlightenment experience you will have when you finally get it. That experience will make you a better programmer for the rest of your days, even if you never actually use LISP itself a lot.” After that came Paul Graham essays, especially “One hundred-year language” and “Beating the Averages“. OK, so I thought, if that language is so great then I should take a look. I bought a book, started to go through it and doing all the exercises. Well, it wasn’t so bad, but nothing spectacular either. So far my ‘mother language’ has been perl, and in “Higher Order Perl” author says that perl has 6 of 7 seven lisp’s ’special’ features (like higher order functions etc), so I was kind of familiar of these concepts. But. The seventh thing that sets lisp apart from all other languages are macros. Not other language can do it, if it wanted to, then it had to become like lisp. Basically macros give lisp a possibility to transform the language itself. So let’s say that I don’t like the way ‘if’ block works in lisp. No problem, with macro I can extend the language and make ‘my-if’, which behaves just the way I like. No other language can do that.

So far, so good, but what does that all have to do with ‘getting hooked’? Well, it has everything to do with it. It was two days ago that I made my first really useful macro and now I’m hooked! It saved me lots of typing and is just so… cool. To give little context – I program new admin-friendly website for snaps4 and just for learning and practical experience I make it in lisp. In that web I have to protect administrative section with username and password authorization. So instead of 8 sentences I can add authentication just by defining admin functions differently. How cool is that?

Some other things I’m hooked to:

• wife – after fallng for her
• emacs – super-powerful text editor and kitchen sink, after discovering some of its features like macro recording
• Canon cameras – after using EOS 50 (I think), it was just so comfortable
• Valve amplifiers – after listening side-by-side with ‘usual’ amp and even more when I got working my own tube headphone amp

So, here it is, year 2007. Should become an interesting year for me in many ways. So many things to do, so many ideas to try out, so much experimenting to do (you can read about some of these ideas from my last post).

From the beginning of year I don’t have anymore this ‘regular’ 8 to 5 job and what a blessing this is, at least right now I think so. I don’t have to get up at certain time and I don’t have to sit my hours at office, no matter if I have anything to do or not, I don’t have to ask permission to take longer breaks or even few days off. I do exactly what, when and how I want and it feels good indeed. Of course it doesn’t mean that I sleep 12 hours and play computer games all day, far from that. It means that I actually have to work out my salary.

Things I’ve done from the list I posted last time:

• Tube headphone amplifier – still unfinished and has little hum, but I got it working! And the sound is oh so lovely, this is definitely the best sound I’ve ever heard from headphones. And the glow… Wow! Actually this ‘romantic’ tube glow was one of the reasons I wanted to build my own amp (second one was of course the super-good sound this old technology can produce). When I finish this and the next one, for which I already have all parts, then it would be nice to compare them. Tube against tube, tooth against tooth.
• Biphasic sleeping – currently I’m on my second day trying this out. Basically it means that I sleep at nights 4.5 hours and sometime during day 1.5 hours, total of 6 hours. Because one normal sleep cycle is 1.5 hours, all sleeping periods must by 1.5, 3, 4.5, 6, 7.5 etc in duration. Theory behind this is that when I sleep 2 times I need to sleep less and I’m more rested during day. We’ll see. So far it has worked out nicely – I go to sleep around 02:00 and wake around 06:00, second sleep is from 14:00 to 15:30, or thereabouts.
• No meat diet – also work in progress. No meat for 9 days and I don’t even miss it. Nice
• Do something useful in lisp – work in progress. I started to program Snaps4 web in lisp, currently it’s plain static HTML, but more than half of what’s needed to run it from lisp server is already done. I must say that I and lisp get along quite well, tho I have to look up many things from books or web which are natural for me in Perl (no wonder too, I’ve used it for about 5 years almost daily). It’s quite interesting experience to work with language that was born in 1958. In computer world this means very-very ancient!

Anyway, here’s magic tube glow demo for you: